In most cases, the offender owes apologies to the people closest to them, like their friends, parents, and children. Living amends, in this event, can include making changes to the behaviors contributing to the falling out between the survivor and the person they owed an apology to. For example, let’s say a mother didn’t make an effort to escort her children to the school bus stop. One of her children is killed crossing the street on their own even after telling their mother that they were afraid to cross the busy street alone. A living amend might include a posthumous promise to the deceased child to, from now on, make it a point to walk their surviving siblings to the bus stop each day.

• Cultivating a present-focused mindset is a huge part of releasing yourself from the shackles of the past and enacting positive transformative changes in your life.
• Perhaps while you were in active addiction, you betrayed your loved one by stealing money from them.
• But sometimes, we have no choice but to make living amends.
• There may be situations where the damage caused by your active addiction is irreparable and making amends is not possible.
• The only thing we can show people today is our love, commitment and patience.

Don’t Hold Back—It’s Too Easy to Get Out of This Step

The 12 steps are beneficial in helping people smoothly transition to each new stage in their recovery. Step Nine can leave you emotionally exhausted; it’s a difficult step to navigate. But the rewards you’ll reap from living amends can help make the challenges easier and more productive.

Learning from Experience

• In some cases, it may be impossible to make direct amends because you can’t locate someone or they have passed away.
• Taking the time to let the other person express how they were affected can promote a more effective healing process, as well as make things less ‘about us’ and more about the person affected.
• Living amends involve this daily dedication to avoiding new wrongdoings as evidence of growth.
• Making direct amends to those harmed is the focal point of the Ninth step in the 12-step process.
• To fix broken relationships, you have to put a lot of effort into making things work.

It’s really hard to apologize to those you’ve hurt — it takes courage and humility and requires a deep, intense look at yourself. Thankfully, there are tips you can take to help make your living amends permanent and lasting. To discern whether to make amends, ask yourself why you’re wanting to contact the person. For example, if you had an affair for three years during active addiction, visiting your ex to fess up and say you’re sorry isn’t going to help them; it’s going to hurt them. Are you taking the step to clear your conscience at the expense of another person?

Steps 8 & 9 in Practice: Making 12-Step Amends in Real Life

The steps ensure that those in recovery feel supported, safe, and secure in making the next step to freedom from addiction. To fix broken relationships, you have to put a lot of effort into making things work. It’s not enough to say to someone that you apologize and feel badly for how you acted in the past. It takes a certain maturity and level of respect for yourself and the person you’re hoping to reconnect with to get past any past issues.

• But when I worked this step with my sponsor I realized that I had several issues that I didn’t even realize I needed to make amends about.
• It involves specifying the particular behaviors and actions that led to harm, ensuring the admission is not vague or wishy-washy.

One of the most important things to remember is that not everyone will be accepting of attempts to make amends. Also, you should never attempt to make amends where doing so is likely to cause further harm, such as making direct amends to someone you injured in a drunk driving accident. Instead, consider becoming living amends an organ donor, or donating to charities that support victims of drunk drivers. Making amends is one of the most important parts of 12 step programs. So much so, in fact, that there are two steps dedicated to it. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines amends as “compensation for a loss or injury”.

What If My Attempt to Make Things Right Goes Wrong and Things Get Worse?

• Step 9 acknowledges that 12-Step amends aren’t necessary when making them places you or the other person in danger.
• Finally, your amends script should underline the commitment to change and transformation.
• Those in recovery are encouraged to make direct amends whenever possible.

Patient Care Network